We’re having a baby!

We’re having a baby!!!

Wish us luck on our fourth pregnancy!

(Wait, Katie Day, are you drunk? You only have one kid, what do you mean fourth pregnancy?)

No, reader, I’m not drunk. And that was really rude of you.

So here goes. Here’s the story of our weird, disappointing, joyful, painful, wonderful, confusing, inspiring last couple years.

If you have been around a while you may have read about the miscarriage we had before we got pregnant with Callie. And you may recall that I quite possibly had the worst attitude while going through it. My sister and brother were both having babies at the exact same time and I was bitter, selfish, and had a super ugly heart. I also convinced myself that I would never ever ever ever have kids even though “that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

I think there were only three tiny months between losing pregnancy #1 and getting pregnant with Callie. In hindsight, a very short amount of time. Giving birth to Callie changed everything. I cannot tell you what being a parent has taught me. I knew instantly after she was born that no one deserves this much joy. Certainly not my own selfish, flawed self. I was instantly convicted that I thought I was entitled to this baby.

The fact is that Callie was a gift. I didn’t earn it by not drinking until I was 21 or by waiting to have sex until I was married. (Things I argued with God after I lost the first one…”But I followed all the rules? Why would you do this??”) No. A gift. Plain and simple. If I never had another baby, she would be more than I ever deserved. I. love. that. child.

Jared and I both eagerly decided to not wait to try for Callie’s sibling. The truth is it actually takes a really long time for us to get pregnant for some reason, so we started trying right when she was only 6 months old. (Also we were trying to avoid a due date during wedding season which is hilarious now to think about because any time I’ve ever tried to force my own convenient timing, God says “Oh you think you’re in control…???)

We found out the day after Callie’s first birthday that we were pregnant! Woohoo! Excitement doesn’t even begin to cover it. Not only would we be having another baby, but I would be having one at the exact same time as my two best friends, Allison and Bre. (Cue creepy foreshadowing music…)

Two weeks later I started bleeding. I called my sister who immediately said,

“…shit…”

My thoughts exactly. Doctor put me on a ‘modified bed-rest’ which included, “Now we can’t have you picking up your daughter until you stop bleeding.” My daughter? My daughter who barely knows how to walk? My daughter who I stay home with alone all day long? I can’t pick her up?

Guys, we had a hilarious system. She slept in a pack-n-play which I tipped over in the morning and she rolled out. It would take her about ten minutes to walk the ten feet to our kitchen where we had put a booster seat on the floor and she’d crawl in. All the while screaming “Mama!!! Up??? Up!!!!” and crying. “Sorry dear. Weird, bizarre, doctor’s orders.”

This went on for FOUR WEEKS. A month, ya’ll. A Month of bleeding, ignoring Callie, feeling super sick and anemic and all the while thinking “I just can’t imagine this is going to work out.”

It didn’t work out. On Halloween, we had friends over to watch 1980′s horror movies and I started having contractions. Super intense in my lower back. After everybody went home, I told Jared, “Something’s going on.”

(Warning, it may get a little graphic from here on..so reader beware..)

I ran to the toilet and I will not describe in detail what happened, but it was horrifying. Seriously, scariest, most disturbing Halloween of my life. I had been instructed to call the ER. I called and the nurse said I would need to check the toilet to confirm…and then…BRING IT IN.

I interrupt this story to write an open letter to…science.

 

Dear Science,

Hell no! You cannot ask a human being with a working heart to search through their toilet for their dead baby…and then bring it in??? No! Screw you, Science. There’s only so much a person is capable of.

Sincerely, Katie Day

 

Jared did it anyway. He couldn’t find anything but massive (baseball-sized) blood clots, so they said for us to rush in because everything was probably still okay. Still okay? There was no doubt in my mind. This was not okay.

I walked into the ER all the while feeling the contents of my uterus trying to come out. It was awful. AWFUL.

Five hours, a few blood tests, and after watching my hospital bed fill up with blood like a freaking crime scene, we had an ultrasound. There on the screen was a baby. Like it actually looked like a baby. Kicking and dancing and swimming around.

Jared and I burst into laughter and tears. “What?” How could it possibly be okay?”

The tech said “You’ve got a fighter on your hands.” We should have been relieved, but I kept thinking, I don’t think you can go through this one night, and then it just is all okay the next. My guard was up and I started pre-mourning.

I woke up in the middle of the night on November 1 with more contractions. More splashing in my toilet, I instinctively flushed it and went back to bed.

The next morning, I told Jared, “I passed more stuff last night, but I didn’t check. I couldn’t…” He asked how I was feeling and I said, “Great. I like feel 100% better. I don’t even feel pregnant anymore.” He thought maybe the worst was over and it would be a healthy pregnancy from here on out. The doctor wanted us to come in around 5 pm. She checked for the heartbeat and couldn’t find it. Then she got called to go deliver a baby.

We sat for an hour and waited for her to come back and I told Jared, “It’s over.”

She finally came back and did an ultrasound, and there on the screen where less than 24 hours ago was a dancing baby…was…nothing. It was blank. Completely empty. Tears streamed down my face, and she said “I’m so sorry. Risk of miscarriage this late is only like 2% and…you were the 2% this time.” She left us with recovering instructions. I dried up quickly and said,

“Jared. We are going to glorify God through this miscarriage.”

He laughed and said, “Okay. How about we glorify God tomorrow? Tonight, I am going to get you the biggest margarita you have ever seen. Like it’s going to look like a cartoon…it’s so big.” (Have I mentioned I love my husband?)

We made the crappy phone calls to our parents and friends and went to Texas Roadhouse. Our waitress was about 8 months pregnant. (Nice touch!)

So, remember how I sucked at handling the first miscarriage? Well, if I erred on the side of selfish the first time, I erred on the side of prideful the second time. I seriously decided I would be the ‘World’s Most Amazing Miscarriage-Haver’. I said, “God, you want my pregnant BFF to have the same due date as me? BOOM! Look at this freaking shower I threw her? You want to make literally ever woman in church pregnant at the same time except for me? (Seriously, I think someone counted and there was like 27 pregnant women all due in Spring) Do it! I will motorboat their baby bumps!!!! You’ve never seen someone as joyful as me!!! I dare you!!! (Remember that time that pride is a sin?…Whoops.)

Of course there was sadness too. It came in phases. I couldn’t even go into our bathroom for months because it felt like a tomb. But I poured myself into projects and hobbies and distractions. Let’s see, in the last nine months, I redecorated my house, lost 15 pounds (yay!), gained 20 pounds (whoops!), and wrote a novel. I’m serious, I wrote a novel, guys. (Anyone know a book-agent because it’s actually pretty funny…at least Allison thinks so and she’s literally the funniest person alive.) I would pray, “God, thank you for this time in my life. It will never be this simple again. I have one kid who I can actually pick up and throw around. I have free time and energy. Look at all of this creative stuff I’m doing. I’m enjoying life. God, thank you!”

One sad day, I was grumpy on my couch watching Good Morning America and Kelly Clarkson was on live performing “Stronger.” I leapt up on my couch and started dancing and belting at the top of my lungs, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!! Stand a little taller!!” Callie got a big kick out of it and when Jared got home that day I said,

“Jared, Jesus spoke to me today through Kelly Clarkson.”

He laughed and said, “…I’m…sure He did.”

I was able to maintain my positive attitude for about 8 and half months of negative pregnancy tests. Then the day before I was supposed to start my period (again), I had a major break-down. I  mean…I bawled. Jared was confused. He said, “You don’t even know you won’t be pregnant, yet!” And I said “I just don’t even want to know. I’d rather it be unknown then be negative. AGAIN!” I was exhausted and I was tired of summoning happiness.

My sweet and wise friend Bre (who had a miscarriage right before Lila btw) sent me a text from her Quiet Time that day and it said,

“To find Joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four hour segments. I understand human frailty, and know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant life in my presence today.”

I cried some more then prayed, “God, if you understand my frailty then you have to know I’m reaching the end of my rope. You have a lot more faith in me than I do. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”

I got a positive pregnancy test the next day.

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

So here we are. 12 weeks in. So far so good. I’m taking it way easy. When I feel like a nap, I take one. I may be slightly slow on editing this summer, but I’m getting it done with joy in my heart.

And if you’re looking for me on these hot summer days, you can find me swaying in my hammock while Callie “helps” Daddy garden. I’ll be the one holding my stomach with tears in her eyes singing the refrain from Ingrid Michaelson’s song.

“December Baby….you are mine…”

————————————————————————————————–

So what’s the take-away? For me, it’s that trials are rough, but that they are possible to get through and still be joyful. But I learned that it can’t be because I’m trying to rely on my own strength. I have to surrender it over to the Lord every single day. I have to say, “I need you. I can’t do it alone. I give this burden to you so that I don’t have to carry it myself.”

Also, the phrase ‘one day at a time’ is the ultimate advice. The minute you say, “I put my entire happiness in whether or not I am pregnant,” you are going to be depressed. Instead you have to say, “Today I am finding joy in painting this antique highchair turquoise. Thank you, God.” “Today I am finding joy in this sunset. Thank you, God.”

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Disclaimer: You should know that I am fully aware of how trivial this trial is in the scheme of things. I read blogs about people who have lost their one-year olds, people who have lost their husbands, people who have done fertility treatments for over two years and still aren’t pregnant. I am humbled by what people have gone through and still have positive attitudes. (If you want to be humbled, take a few hours and read the Stroller Coaster. Sam is seriously the most talented person in the entire world and I think I’ve bawled at every single blog post.) Thank you for reading!

Fast forward to minute 5 to hear my favorite part.:)

Sarah jinks - June 4, 2012 - 7:11 pm

Katie,
Thank u for sharing!! U know that God used ur words for his glory and teaching in other lives. And congratulations on #4! May God bless ur family!

Sarah Williams - June 4, 2012 - 8:45 pm

Katie–don’t know you very well–remember I am Josh’s grandmother–this that I have read has inspired me so much–Yes I lost my husband a year ago Jul. 7th–remember Jul 9th. Josh and Logans wedding. hardest day of my life. But I have learned so much the past year and it all boils down to “with God all things are possible”. Katie and Jared i am so proud of you and hurt so much for what you have gone thru. i can relate since I lost my only little girl at 7 months. I pray that you will conquer this pregnancy and bring into this mixed up world we live in a playmate for Callie. By the way she is so cute and when I saw her time out at the doctor’s office I wanted to actually spank you. She looked so sad. But time outs are necessary. good luck to you and jared and I so hope that all works out –and with Gods help it will. Just pray and believe.

Valerie - June 4, 2012 - 8:51 pm

Katie…..this is absolutely beautifully written. I didn’t realize you and Jared had trouble getting pregnant, and as someone who has dealt with infertility and miscarriage, I can assure you it is not “trivial”….its heartbreaking, soul-wrenching, and faith-testing. I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a hard road, I was blessed that both my miscarriages were very, very early…I can’t imagine the difficulty of being asked to “search” for your child. I will keep you in my prayers that the next 6 months go smoothly for you, and rejoice with you in the joy of the gift of Callie and her little brother/sister :)
<3

Samantha - June 4, 2012 - 8:54 pm

I want to thank you for sharing this. What I’ve been through is absolutely nothing compared to losing a baby. Tim and I have said over and over how lucky we are that we haven’t had to experience that. I would rather pee on a million pregnancy tests for a million years that all read negative than have that life taken away from me. But like we’ve both learned, God has a plan, and that plan, if we listen and accept it, truly makes us stronger and more mature in our relationship with Him.

In my coping I have found so much happiness for others and what their life brings, while thanking God for everything he’s blessed Tim and I with. For Mother’s Day, I knew I would be sad, but I just asked myself “Why should I be sad for myself when I should be celebrating the love of my own mother. She’s amazing, and I am so stinkin’ lucky! And my sister? It’s her first Mother’s Day!! That’s a reason to celebrate!” and I threw one hell of a Mother’s Day bash. And it felt AWESOME.

Okay, I could keep writing for the next few hours, but I will leave you with this…

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.” (2 Timothy 4:17a)

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. ”(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Thank You. And I am giving you an enormous, never-letting-go hug along with an even bigger CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Samantha

Kim - June 4, 2012 - 9:14 pm

Katie….Thank you for your brutal honesty, it is comforting. After losing a baby at 11 weeks and then one at 21 weeks, believe me I share your pain….I too hated almost every waking moment for months….but I too got my December baby….she was conceived in December, and born in August, but truly our miracle that I Thank God for everyday! I am beyond thrilled for you and your sister…2 new babies!! I will add you to my prayers!! {{{{hugs}}}

Kim

mama to four boys - June 4, 2012 - 9:36 pm

People have told me there is something about losing an unborn baby that is more painful then other loses. I don’t know how people come up with that… I think it all hurts but many people hold to that. We had two boys 19 months apart, then lost our baby girl at 20 weeks… grieving we went on the pill till we could decide what to do… adopt- try again- be done…after months of non-stop bleeding my husband came home one night and said, enough is enough… we are just putting this in God’s hands. We literally got pregnant that night with TWINS! Four boys 4yrs old and under… every day I thank God for the gift of life even when he chooses to give it and take it. So excited for you! Thanks for sharing in honesty.

Life As Wife - June 4, 2012 - 9:41 pm

Dont downplay your pain and think it is not “hard enough/painful enough”! Loss is painful no matter how big or small. I am thankful your heart is now full – everyone deserves that happiness! Congrats on your pregnancy!

Angie - June 4, 2012 - 10:04 pm

Katie Day. You are amazingly talented and inspirational!! I cried reading this post just as I did when I read your first pregnancy announcement. Your words touch my heart!! Taking life one day at a time is something that is SO incredibly difficult to remember; especially in hard times!! It is reading things like this that help me to remember that God is ALWAYS in control and that His timing, His plan, His way is all we have and when we try to fight it we just end up disappointed. Thank you for being so brave to share the intimate moments of your life, and journey with the Lord. You are making a bigger difference than you realize!!

Valerie Sommer - June 4, 2012 - 10:18 pm

Katie,
Your sweet bubbly smile is as warm as your written words. Miss you!
Momma Sommer
“Babies are God’s
Opinion
That the world
Must go on”

Sarah - June 4, 2012 - 10:20 pm

Congratulations!!! I had two miscarriages and finally got my gift baby too. I am so happy to read this news and love your blog!

Sarah (a usual lurker)

Bre - June 5, 2012 - 12:25 am

Your my hero. :)

Amari - June 5, 2012 - 7:29 am

Katie, you are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again: you are an inspiration. I am so unbelivably happy for you! You’re such a wonderful Mommy and wife and I’m glad your family is growing.

Angie - June 5, 2012 - 7:42 am

Katie, I just adore you. YOU are a gift.

Karen - June 5, 2012 - 8:30 am

Hey, I am a friend of your mother..Karen Gallick. Just wanted you to know that I went through your experience..luckily only once. Reading it brought me back to that time and those were painful memories. I had a friend with me that night,who was a nurse, who did the fishing out for me..thankfully. So, glad that I did not let that change my thoughts of wanting another child . I have a wonderful 21 year old son today because we did not let that tough memory change our lives. Wishing you the very best for this pregnacy. God is good!

Kay - June 5, 2012 - 10:18 am

Katie – You are amazing. It’s a privilege to know you!

dwight glenn - June 5, 2012 - 10:57 am

Katie Day,
This is one of the best “things,”sorry crappy adjective, that I have ever read. I am inspired by your heart, your humor, and your faith. Your willingness to open up about your personal trials and tribulations gives us “all” a reason to take a moment and do a personal inventory.

I have been going through a lot of wonderful changes in my life on every single level. The most important being an spiritual reawakening thanks to a very special person who has become my girlfriend. Your post reaffirms a lot of things that I hoped to be true about faith. We do not always get the answers we want, on our time line. But we always get answers, and if you hold true to your faith, he will always watch over you!

God bless you and your family! You create art with your camera and you created poetry with these words of inspiration!

BTW Kelly Clarkson is an awesome chick, when I brought her to town in March I was able to hang with her for 20-30 minutes. Very real and sweet!

Cassie Crow - June 5, 2012 - 12:05 pm

Katie~Thank you for being brave enough to share all of this. You are truly an inspiring person to me. Love you always. La Guitarra.

brooke - June 5, 2012 - 8:16 pm

katie, thank you for the gift of your story. thanks for being so real. i’ve suffered in this way, too, wanting do be The Best Miscarriage-Haver, but actually being pretty devestated and angry and jealous of others. i just appreciate you talking openly about this. we all need it.
and CONGRATS on the one that now grows with in you. i’ll look forward to seeing his/her face on your blog in december.
bless you!

Renee - June 6, 2012 - 1:05 pm

Katie, around the time of my wedding to my very own Jared must have been the time you started this, as Callie was born about 10 months after. Thank you for being there for our wedding in the midst of that. I appreciate your experience, and Jared and I are going through the same trial now. What you wrote helps me keep calm and trust God’s plan. Hopefully someday I can call you for a maternity shoot.

Kathy Fenstermaker - June 6, 2012 - 1:47 pm

Katie,

As a mother, you know how much love you have for your child and how much it hurts you when your child is hurting. It is such a helpless feeling to not be able to take away your child’s pain whether they are a small child or an adult.

I just want to say, once again, how proud I am to be your mother. I cannot begin to tell you how much I admire you for all you are and all you do. You are such a blessing and I thank God every day for you. I thank you for the choices you have made in your life and how easy you have made it to be your mother.

Love,
Mom

Katie - September 17, 2012 - 6:03 pm

Katie,

Thanks for sharing, this was so moving. I love your heart and your attitude. Even though it felt yucky going through that tough stuff, it’s amazing what a beautiful story you have and how God makes our lives a work of art through each disappointment and triumph.

Your pain and feelings are valid no matter if someone else’s is worse…

Very happy for your fourth pregnancy! May God bless you with a beautiful, healthy baby!

-Katie (Schmidt) Kandagor

Home Video: Callie 18 months and Some Kind of Wonderful

My darling toddler is well technically 19 months old now, and my “parenting-documenting-goal” is a video montage every 6 months. I’d say she’s changed quite a bit from her First year video.


Here are some facts about Callie at 18 months.

She’s gradually getting taller and skinnier just like her mom i mean, dad. Down to 18th percentile in weight, up to 78th in height.

She loves to dance, sing, make faces, say hi to strangers at the grocery store. Multiple times. Usually about 10 and very loud. “HI! HIIII! HIIIII!!!!” I’ve recently taught her “How are you?” and it always gets a laugh.

The most hilarious Callie-ism right now is the word “okay!”. For example, Callie murmers something that sounds like juice, to clarify, you say “Juice?” and she shouts “OKAY!!!!” like it was your idea in the first place. This happens about a hundred times a day and I laugh every single time.

Activities she loves: blowing bubbles, taking care of her baby dolls, wagon-rides, swinging, counting to three then going down a slide, spying on our neighbors through our fence slats like a stalker, wrestling Halpert, playing with Jude, her boyfriend. (She actually calls every little boy she sees, ‘Jude’) Playing in her kitchen,  and having pretend picnics on a quilt in our living room.

Everyone says how talkative and happy she is. She will go to ANYONE and probably give them a kiss. She gets VERY concerned about babies who cry at the store. She shouts “BABY CRY????” and then pats and rocks an invisible baby saying “shh shh shh”.

She used to never ever sit still, but in the last month she will actually cuddle and watch a movie or “Elmo!!!!”

Favorites Foods: Oranges and cheese. (Oh my lord, is she crazy for cheese.)

Least Favorite Foods: Anything involving red sauce, ex: ketchup and pizza. (But I bet that will change!)

She won’t let you change her diaper unless she’s holding her toothbrush with “SOAP!!” (aka toothpaste)

She says “Thank you” every time you give her anything.

She’s obsessed with my make-up and screams “SOME???” every time I get ready.

She greets you with so much enthusiasm even if you only ran to the post office for 5 minutes, “MAMAA!!!!!!!!!” : )

She definitely has an opinion now and isn’t afraid to show it. Our method of discipline is time-out b/c she rocks at it. You say “time-out” and she immediately stops and goes to the wall and sits til you tell her it’s over. After a minute, I get down to her level, explain the offense again, make her say “Sorry, Mama” and then we hug. And so far, she has never gone back to doing the same ‘bad’ thing. ( I realize that this is freakish, but we’re going to ride it while it lasts.)

She’s SO obedient about time-out that I actually got distracted and left the room while she was in one, and it lasted a solid 10 minutes until I heard “I SORRY MAMA! I SORRY MAMA!!!!” from the other room. (Whoops) but she still hadn’t left the wall. Hilarious. #badmom

Anyway, this age is a blast. It really does keep getting better. I used to feel a bit lonely all day when she was younger, but now I feel like I’ve got a friend to hang out with. I adore her. I can’t imagine a better, more easy-going, hilarious toddler. I think we both laugh all day long.

Here’s the last few months via Instagram. (I’m a tad obsessed with it, feel free to ‘follow me’ I promise I won’t think you’re creepy. Unless you literally “follow me” around my neighborhood.)

There you go. Lots of movies, tea parties, hammock rides, her hiding in tiny spaces. And yes that is her in time-out at my dr. appointment. And yes I did take a picture of her while she was in it. I told you, I ‘m a horrible person.

Kathy F - April 25, 2012 - 4:37 pm

Oh, so adorable! Love it so much!

Sarah Williams - April 25, 2012 - 9:00 pm

Katie–she is adorable–and so smart–I watched this video and just cracked up–such a busy stage in their life–enjoy her every day because they really do grow up way too fast. She is a doll—-OH and I love the song too. Keep ‘em coming.

F a c e b o o k
T w i t t e r
P i n t e r e s t