Warning: EXTREME transparency ahead. If honesty makes you uncomfortable, don’t read it. If you think that I’m ‘cool’ and would prefer to live in that world, don’t read this. You’re going to realize really quickly how nerdy I truly am.

I recently did a social media fast for Lent and I wanted to write up a post of some of the conclusions I found while they were still fresh in my mind. I almost kept this to myself, but after a chat with the amazing Morgan Weber, I realized I’m not actually the only person who thinks like this and it might be worth sharing.

Here’s some background information:

I used to work as an art director for an ad agency where i was constantly surrounded by witty, creative people. It was an extremely social environment and as an EXTREMELY social person, I LOVED it. I loved laughing all day and brainstorming and being surrounded by visual stimulation.

Then my side photography business took off and began to earn me enough to be a full-time business. This happened simultaneously with Jared and I decided to start a family. Perfect timing! I quit my day job and began to work from home.

Alone.

All alone.

All day long.

Enter social media. Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, my blog, Vimeo. I do it all. I love it all. And it almost created the illusion that I was surrounded by people all day. I don’t recall when social media began to take up a large portion of my day, but it had and I started to wonder if I might actually be addicted to it. My thumb navigates to Instagram idly before I even realize what has happened.

I don’t like addictions. I don’t want to be addicted to anything in this world.

So for Lent this year, I decided to give it up. (Also I got called out on it by my friend which isn’t a pleasant feeling but hey! what are you gonna do?)

Now if you’re reading this you may prefer a particular social media, I know for a lot of people it’s Facebook, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to focus on Instagram because it seems to be the media that is most addictive to me.

Let me walk you through my relationship with Instagram.

My photographer friend Janae told me I’d love it. When I first downloaded this app, I 100% thought it was an editing app and I thought “Oh cool. Here’s a way for my crappy cell phone photos to look less crappy on their way to Facebook.” I did not know there was a social component to it at all. (Brandon Goodwin has a funny story about how he would use Instagram to edit goofy-seductive-joke-one-eyebrow-raised-photos and send them to his wife before he realized other people could see them. Whoops. Hilarious.)

Then I started noticing people’s names appearing by my photos. How elderly am I? I really thought “why does it say ‘tshelburn’ next to my photo? Oh. I guess he ‘liked’ it? Wait, people can see these? Oh, you can follow people. I get it.”

Then almost overnight, I understood the wonder and awesomeness that is Instagram. As a visual person, it is the ultimate treat in social media. It’s just bad@ss photos. Coming at you. All day long.

But then things got weird. Part of me wants to blame it on VSCO cam. And also the MASSIVE improvements on the most recent iPhone cameras. But something happened where suddenly every photo on my feed was BEAUTIFUL. “They took these on a CELL PHONE? Seriously?” And it wasn’t just the quality of photo. It was what the photos were of: amazing vintage furniture, delicious artsy food, flea market finds, DIY makeover projects, beautiful children doing awesome craft projects. I follow some SERIOUSLY creative people. This has it’s perks but it also can create some dangerous mental patterns. Here’s what I’ve found:

“Inspired, then Tired”

Some of these crafty people get my visual heart SO PUMPED that for a minute I want to go create something. Anything! I want to go make beautiful art. I want to go flea-marketing. I want to cook a beautiful dinner. But then it’s almost immediately followed by exhaustion. These people ARE SO CREATIVE! I really just want to take a nap. Failure, failure, failure. What happened? How could I go from 0-60 so quickly and back? Social media should not be a source of comparison and self-doubt. That’s crazy!

“Only 12 likes?”

Just as quickly as self-doubt can creep in, validation can also take over. I remember I used to get a kick out of people liking a photo. “Sweet! People like this!” If enough people liked it, their little names would disappear and instead a number would take over. If I got more than 10 likes, then I’d feel pretty legit. But then 10 became 20, 20 became 30. Now if a photo gets a lowly 12 likes, I deem it a failure. THAT IS RIDICULOUS! This is the hilariously bizarre false-world of popularity and validation-from peers. It’s never enough. I follow some seriously popular instagrammers. The ones that post a picture of their shoes and you hit refresh one time and instantly has 156 likes. I guarantee you right now that even they have a moment where they think “oh. that photo only got 2492 likes. Bummer.” Social media can not be a go-to source for validation. That’s crazy.

“The Instagram Couple”

1. I am a romantic. A hopeless HOPELESS romantic and I LOVE the ‘Instagram couple’. I think they are adorable. You know the ones? Sometimes they have a matching username even. “iammegwest’, ‘iammattwest’, ‘herwelshness’, ‘hiswelshness’. THAT IS THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD. Seriously. Husbands posting photos of their wives with a caption like ‘i’m the luckiest man in the world’. I swoon. Sometimes audibly. Then I silently take it out on Jared for not being on Instagram. This is real love. Instagram love. Jared doesn’t really love me unless he tells Facebook about how much he loves me. Wait. What? My husband does not enjoy social media. He is an extremely private person. (Unlike me who truly desires to be honest and vulnerable with complete strangers. We’re two extremes. I get it.) But guess what? My husband ADORES me. He is always doing the sweetest stuff for me. He is THE BEST dad. He IS a romantic. He DOES validate me. And he does it all in private and that doesn’t make it mean less.

2. The ‘Instagram couple’ does cool things together. They went hiking. And they went and saw that band. And they spent all Saturday gardening. Me and Jared just rented a movie. We aren’t cool. Failure. Failure. Failure. Social media should not be source of comparing my marriage with other people’s marriage. That’s crazy.

“What if I lose followers?”

What if I talk about Jesus too much? What if 6 posts of my kids in one day is too many and becomes obnoxious? This photo isn’t the best light, maybe I shouldn’t post it. After all, people at any moment could realize that I really AM NOT THAT COOL and decide to stop following me. Are you getting by now that i am an OVERANALYZER? Social Media should not be something I think this hard about. That’s CRAAAAAAZYYYY!

By now you should be exhausted by the way my brain works, but here comes the good part:

Lentstagram.

Logging off for a month was the best thing I could have possibly done because you know what I realized?

Social Media IS NOT A BIG DEAL.

I can live with it or without it. Deciding to log back on was because I decided there were more positive things than negative things. Relieved? Me too. Now let’s talk about those:

“I love my Instagram Friends”

I love seeing what @alicecalvery ate for breakfast when she is in jackson, tn. I love that I actually consider @nathaliebearden a dear friend even though we HAVE NEVER MET. I love staying connected. I care about people. I care about the details of their life. I LOVE their kids. I love that they spray-painted their .99 unicorn they found and now it looks SO COOL. It’s silliness and I love it.

“Art is made to be shared”

I have this crazy urge that as soon as I make art, I’m BUSTING at the seams to share it with someone else. Even if it’s a backlit sunny iPhone photo of my daughter on a swing. It’s still art. And what is the point of art unless you’re going to share it with the world?

“Pause and look at how beautiful your life is”

I love photography because it makes you pause. My life is fast-paced and my kids have needs all day long. But taking a photo makes you pause. And looking at that photo can take me to another dimension. “Look at this photo of Callie. God, she is SO beautiful. When’s the last time I stopped and looked at her eyelashes? Look at how long her hair is getting. She is growing so fast and I am so grateful for this photo where time is frozen and i can just stop at stare.”

“This is how I see the world”

I want to share my perspective with you. I see things differently than you. I want to show you how I experienced that picnic. And I want to see how you experienced that road trip. What a gift photography is! What a cool way to show people how you view things.

Like anything addictive, moderation is key, so here’s my plan for a HEALTHY relationship with social media. when I say “you” I really mean “me”. These are all directed at me, Katie Day. So if I sound bossy, it’s because I need to boss myself around sometimes.

“Latergram”

The most addicting part of Instagram is the Insta part. I like instantly making art and instantly getting a response. But the problem is if I’m editing and uploading a photo while I’m at the park with my daughter. I’m NOT really present at the park with my daughter am I? Sometimes I see an Instagram of two pairs of feet propped up on a coffee table with the caption like “snuggled up with my husband watching a movie. perfect evening.” Nope. No, you’re not. You are “on instagram while a movie is playing that I’m only half watching because i waiting to see if this photo gets ‘likes’” And I know you’re still logged in because you just responded to my comment about how much I like your TOMS. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take the photo, Take the photo. I want to see it! I will definitely “like” it…But take it and then put your dang phone away. You can post it later with the perfect amount of vsco ‘fade’.

“Real People > Instapeople”

When you’re in the room with real people. Put your phone away. Again, I’m all for taking a photo of the experience. Take the photo. You can edit it and post it later when you’re alone again. This includes your kids. Your kids are people. Wait til nap time.

“I was at that birthday party and It wasn’t that cool.”

Sometimes the right lighting and filter can make a moment look 40million times cooler than it actually was. Believe me. My house isn’t always clean. Every moment with my kids isn’t 100% meaningful. I only post selfies if my face looks skinny. I’m actually okay with this. My friend Alice Calvery reminded me that most humans clean up their living rooms before they invite people over. Most people have a layer of manners and politeness when first meeting someone. I’m a-okay with only posting the best stuff on Instagram. I don’t really want to see your dirty kitchen floor. Just keep in mind that you are seeing a small portion of people’s lives. (But if you do enjoy visual transparency, @brechang started a hashtag project called #myREALreallife and it is hilarious.)

“I do what I want”

When I find myself overanalyzing whether or not a photo is “worthy” of posting, I’m going to try this new tactic called ‘i do what i want’. If i feel inspired to post something about Jesus, I’m just going to do it. My kids are reading books, is that worth posting? YEP! I may lose followers. I WILL care when that happens. I’ll pout and say “I’m sad that person stopped following me.” And then I’m going to get over it, and move on and post a photo of Callie eating cereal.

“Log the Eff Off”

My main takeaway from Lent is that I love social media. I think it’s fantastic, but I need to have times where I’m logged in and the rest of the time I need to log the eff off and be present in the real world.

Guys, I’m passionate about Jesus. My one true dream in life is to change everyone’s mind who has a bad taste in their mouth from some “Christian” who wronged them at some point in life. I want to shine Christ’s light in the world. I want to represent joy and encouragement. I would MUCH rather post something that makes you think about how cool God is rather than make you think about how cool I am. I’m not. I like junk from flea markets, yes. I like spray-painting furniture, true. I’ve got hipster glasses and can take a decent photograph. But I would listen to Oldies music over Bon Iver ANY day of the week. I’m the MOST ridiculous improv comedian and make a complete FOOL of myself on stage. I sometimes get so involved in recreating a scene from Aladdin with my daughter that SHE gets bored before I do. I am truly a RIDICULOUS person. But I also REALLY like myself. I LOVE the way God made me in all of my ridiculousness. And I love you too. Exactly the way you are. VSCO filter or not. And so does God.

In conclusion, Instagram is not a big deal. Jesus is a big deal. And the coolest part is that He thinks I’m a big deal and that’s like getting 3000038282904 likes. My validation comes from Christ. Period.

Now I’m going to go post this to Pinterest and Facebook and Instagram and see if i get any likes.

But then I’m logging off.

Gulf Shores, Alabama from Katie Day on Vimeo.

I got to go with Jared’s gorgeous sister’s and mother to the beach. It was blissful.
It also marks the end of my amazing/unbelievable/wonderful three-month maternity leave.
Sigh.
Bear with me as I answer all of your emails. There’s quite a few. And raising two kids is like…time-consuming. Who knew?

Peabody’s Farm. It’s magical. Also, Kurt & Amanda are totally adorbs and  I loved being a part of the MOST LAID BACK wedding I’ve ever seen. I also was 7.5 months pregnant and ate the crap out of that mashed potato bar. Enjoy!!!

These two are the adorable owners. Aren’t they cute?!?!?!
We interrupt this wedding for a brief moment of sexy man-dancing. Guard your heart ladies, this one’s mine….

…Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post….

I can’t believe my heart is capable of feeling this a SECOND time. I love him so much, it’s crazy.

Delivery went off without a hitch and Emerson is healthy as can be. I just keep thanking the Lord and kissing this tiny, soft head.

I’m officially on maternity leave, so expect a delay on email responses! Thanks!

Here’s some video snippets from her second year:

And here’s her singing “Call Me Maybe” and “Never Ever Ever” via webcam.

I hope I’ll always remember your second year:
-How go-with-the-flow you are. If it’s time to go to the store. Time to leave the store. Time to put the toy back on the shelf because we’re not actually going to buy it. Time to go play in the church nursery for a while but “mom and daddy be right back!”
-How you act out the action sequences in your favorite movies, running around the couch.
-The grin on your face when you watch Flynn and Rapunzel fall in love.
- The first time you escaped from your crib in the morning a brought me ‘breakfast in bed’ consisting of a bag goldfish and empty coffee mug, “Morning, Mama! You hungry?”
-when we were pointing out all of the teddy bears and horsies in the flea market, and after finding so many treasures, you shouted happily, “Mama! What IS THIS PLACE?!”
-how every single time we pass an Andy’s ice cream cone, we have to shout “It’s SPINNING!”
-How sweet you are and will get so concerned if your pregnant, hormonal Mommy is crying, “Momma, you sad? Don’t cry! look at the cows! You see the cows? You want a snack? Momma? You all better?”
-How you are nailing the songs on the radio now and know way more of the lyrics than I ever thought possible.
-Our Dance parties to “I’m looking for my friends! I’m looking for YOU! Hey there’s Mama! Check out ma moves!”
-How every morning you ask me “Momma, you readin Bible? You read bout Jesus? I read Jesus too!” And then you go find your children’s bible and sit next to me at the table. (heartmelt)
-How you wrestle with your Daddy on the floor. “Daddy Don’t tickle me!”
-How happy you are to see me even if I just went to the store for a little bit. “HI MOMMA!!!!!”
-How you’ll chant along in the car, “Ah-mi’es House! Grammie’s House!”
-How you’ll say “You do it!”‘ i do it!” “No like it!” “It’s scary!” “I want crackers too-p!” “Where you go-ning?” “what are you do-ning?”
-How you’ll grab your own tummy and say “Baby Brother’s KICKING!”
-How when we tuck you in, you’ll say “Mama. Sing Song?’ And how I didn’t realize you knew all the words to Regina Spektor’s ‘Samson’ until I stopped singing it one night and you finished it all by yourself.
-How every baby you meet is “SO CUTE!”
-How you say “thank you” every single time I do anything!

Callie you are such a blessing to us. You are so friendly to every stranger you meet. You willingly go to time-out even though you HATE IT. You give hugs and kisses and snuggle us. I can’t imagine an easier kid or one with more JOY for life. Playing dress-up, pretending, singing songs. I love every single day that I get to spend with you!

SOOOOOOOO Pregnant. Threw up a tiger claw anyway. Love you Christine. You’re a doll!!!!

Today he is 2000 miles away in Haiti: painting houses, hugging orphans, pouring concrete, and growing in his walk with the Big Guy.

There is literally no where else I’d prefer him to be on our anniversary.

I will spare you a sappy novel about how I love my husband, but I’m reflecting today on the past five years and everything we’ve gone through as partners and it makes me a tad weepy. (I get it. I’m pregnant. And my hubs is in a third-world, cholera-infested country.)

The truth is marriage is a blast at times. And other times it’s a helluvah allotta work. Jared and I are the world’s WORST fighters. He gets stubborn. I get selfish and emotional. Neither of us are wrong (obviously). We tend to have a pattern of going through a four-month stretch of blissful fight-free-marriage, then stumble upon a rough week of knock-down drag-out fights. My point being, it’s not perfect. But there are perfect days. Months even. Days where he makes me laugh so hard, you’d think the literal devil himself was coming out of my mouth. Days where we end up having an elaborate dance party in the kitchen complete with choreography.

Marriage is work. But marriage can be beautiful. One of my favorite books on the subject is called, “Sacred Marriage: What if God created Marriage to Make us Holy More than to Make us Happy?” It totally blew my mind because I think we are conditioned to enter into marriage with the mindset that ‘all of our dreams have come true’ and now we can truly be happy. But what if it’s WAY bigger than that? What if entering into marriage forces us to live in a confined spaces with another adult who has differing opinions, so that we can learn to live beyond ourselves and our selfish desires. So that we can become better communicators, servants, better PEOPLE! I know if I lived alone my whole life, I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. But with Jared around, life becomes a partnership. It’s not about me anymore. I can grow as a person and the happy times are a BONUS!

Anyway, speaking of happy times. I’ve decided to post two videos we took from our honeymoon FIVE YEARS AGO! We look like babies (if babies had weird haircuts and smoking hot bodies.) Things you need to know about this first one. We accidentally found all of our sibling’s names while on our honeymoon. Jared is not drunk, he really is this hilarious sober. Stay tuned til the very end and you will hear the original song Jared wrote for his sister Logan. “It’s goes Loooo-gan. Loooo-gan. Logan, Master on the High Seas…” (Again, I assure you, he is sober.) In fact, if you get bored, just fast forward to minute 6:30. It’s worth it, I promise.

Bonus footage: Jared gives a tour of our “luxurious” state room on our cruiseship. Once again, I assure you he is completely sober. I have never heard that voice come out him before and doubt I ever will again. My favorite quotes:

“This is a television. You push this button and pictures and sounds come out of it. It’s very entertaining.”

“You swipe it again…and it takes it…like a whore…”

Let’s take a brief moment and talk about hair. Is this not the coolest wedding hair you’ve ever seen. I stood with my jaw dropped saying “Your hair is a…miracle!!!” Come to find out the miracle is Katie Welch of Love You Bobby Pins. Book her. Nuff said.

Special thanks to Morgan Warner, soulmate and second shooter for this wedding. She did a freaking amazing job. Also thanks to Andrea Larson for teaching me how to body roll. Priceless gift.

We’re having a baby!!!

Wish us luck on our fourth pregnancy!

(Wait, Katie Day, are you drunk? You only have one kid, what do you mean fourth pregnancy?)

No, reader, I’m not drunk. And that was really rude of you.

So here goes. Here’s the story of our weird, disappointing, joyful, painful, wonderful, confusing, inspiring last couple years.

If you have been around a while you may have read about the miscarriage we had before we got pregnant with Callie. And you may recall that I quite possibly had the worst attitude while going through it. My sister and brother were both having babies at the exact same time and I was bitter, selfish, and had a super ugly heart. I also convinced myself that I would never ever ever ever have kids even though “that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

I think there were only three tiny months between losing pregnancy #1 and getting pregnant with Callie. In hindsight, a very short amount of time. Giving birth to Callie changed everything. I cannot tell you what being a parent has taught me. I knew instantly after she was born that no one deserves this much joy. Certainly not my own selfish, flawed self. I was instantly convicted that I thought I was entitled to this baby.

The fact is that Callie was a gift. I didn’t earn it by not drinking until I was 21 or by waiting to have sex until I was married. (Things I argued with God after I lost the first one…”But I followed all the rules? Why would you do this??”) No. A gift. Plain and simple. If I never had another baby, she would be more than I ever deserved. I. love. that. child.

Jared and I both eagerly decided to not wait to try for Callie’s sibling. The truth is it actually takes a really long time for us to get pregnant for some reason, so we started trying right when she was only 6 months old. (Also we were trying to avoid a due date during wedding season which is hilarious now to think about because any time I’ve ever tried to force my own convenient timing, God says “Oh you think you’re in control…???)

We found out the day after Callie’s first birthday that we were pregnant! Woohoo! Excitement doesn’t even begin to cover it. Not only would we be having another baby, but I would be having one at the exact same time as my two best friends, Allison and Bre. (Cue creepy foreshadowing music…)

Two weeks later I started bleeding. I called my sister who immediately said,

“…shit…”

My thoughts exactly. Doctor put me on a ‘modified bed-rest’ which included, “Now we can’t have you picking up your daughter until you stop bleeding.” My daughter? My daughter who barely knows how to walk? My daughter who I stay home with alone all day long? I can’t pick her up?

Guys, we had a hilarious system. She slept in a pack-n-play which I tipped over in the morning and she rolled out. It would take her about ten minutes to walk the ten feet to our kitchen where we had put a booster seat on the floor and she’d crawl in. All the while screaming “Mama!!! Up??? Up!!!!” and crying. “Sorry dear. Weird, bizarre, doctor’s orders.”

This went on for FOUR WEEKS. A month, ya’ll. A Month of bleeding, ignoring Callie, feeling super sick and anemic and all the while thinking “I just can’t imagine this is going to work out.”

It didn’t work out. On Halloween, we had friends over to watch 1980′s horror movies and I started having contractions. Super intense in my lower back. After everybody went home, I told Jared, “Something’s going on.”

(Warning, it may get a little graphic from here on..so reader beware..)

I ran to the toilet and I will not describe in detail what happened, but it was horrifying. Seriously, scariest, most disturbing Halloween of my life. I had been instructed to call the ER. I called and the nurse said I would need to check the toilet to confirm…and then…BRING IT IN.

I interrupt this story to write an open letter to…science.

Dear Science,

Hell no! You cannot ask a human being with a working heart to search through their toilet for their dead baby…and then bring it in??? No! Screw you, Science. There’s only so much a person is capable of.

Sincerely, Katie Day

Jared did it anyway. He couldn’t find anything but massive (baseball-sized) blood clots, so they said for us to rush in because everything was probably still okay. Still okay? There was no doubt in my mind. This was not okay.

I walked into the ER all the while feeling the contents of my uterus trying to come out. It was awful. AWFUL.

Five hours, a few blood tests, and after watching my hospital bed fill up with blood like a freaking crime scene, we had an ultrasound. There on the screen was a baby. Like it actually looked like a baby. Kicking and dancing and swimming around.

Jared and I burst into laughter and tears. “What?” How could it possibly be okay?”

The tech said “You’ve got a fighter on your hands.” We should have been relieved, but I kept thinking, I don’t think you can go through this one night, and then it just is all okay the next. My guard was up and I started pre-mourning.

I woke up in the middle of the night on November 1 with more contractions. More splashing in my toilet, I instinctively flushed it and went back to bed.

The next morning, I told Jared, “I passed more stuff last night, but I didn’t check. I couldn’t…” He asked how I was feeling and I said, “Great. I like feel 100% better. I don’t even feel pregnant anymore.” He thought maybe the worst was over and it would be a healthy pregnancy from here on out. The doctor wanted us to come in around 5 pm. She checked for the heartbeat and couldn’t find it. Then she got called to go deliver a baby.

We sat for an hour and waited for her to come back and I told Jared, “It’s over.”

She finally came back and did an ultrasound, and there on the screen where less than 24 hours ago was a dancing baby…was…nothing. It was blank. Completely empty. Tears streamed down my face, and she said “I’m so sorry. Risk of miscarriage this late is only like 2% and…you were the 2% this time.” She left us with recovering instructions. I dried up quickly and said,

“Jared. We are going to glorify God through this miscarriage.”

He laughed and said, “Okay. How about we glorify God tomorrow? Tonight, I am going to get you the biggest margarita you have ever seen. Like it’s going to look like a cartoon…it’s so big.” (Have I mentioned I love my husband?)

We made the crappy phone calls to our parents and friends and went to Texas Roadhouse. Our waitress was about 8 months pregnant. (Nice touch!)

So, remember how I sucked at handling the first miscarriage? Well, if I erred on the side of selfish the first time, I erred on the side of prideful the second time. I seriously decided I would be the ‘World’s Most Amazing Miscarriage-Haver’. I said, “God, you want my pregnant BFF to have the same due date as me? BOOM! Look at this freaking shower I threw her? You want to make literally ever woman in church pregnant at the same time except for me? (Seriously, I think someone counted and there was like 27 pregnant women all due in Spring) Do it! I will motorboat their baby bumps!!!! You’ve never seen someone as joyful as me!!! I dare you!!! (Remember that time that pride is a sin?…Whoops.)

Of course there was sadness too. It came in phases. I couldn’t even go into our bathroom for months because it felt like a tomb. But I poured myself into projects and hobbies and distractions. Let’s see, in the last nine months, I redecorated my house, lost 15 pounds (yay!), gained 20 pounds (whoops!), and wrote a novel. I’m serious, I wrote a novel, guys. (Anyone know a book-agent because it’s actually pretty funny…at least Allison thinks so and she’s literally the funniest person alive.) I would pray, “God, thank you for this time in my life. It will never be this simple again. I have one kid who I can actually pick up and throw around. I have free time and energy. Look at all of this creative stuff I’m doing. I’m enjoying life. God, thank you!”

One sad day, I was grumpy on my couch watching Good Morning America and Kelly Clarkson was on live performing “Stronger.” I leapt up on my couch and started dancing and belting at the top of my lungs, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!! Stand a little taller!!” Callie got a big kick out of it and when Jared got home that day I said,

“Jared, Jesus spoke to me today through Kelly Clarkson.”

He laughed and said, “…I’m…sure He did.”

I was able to maintain my positive attitude for about 8 and half months of negative pregnancy tests. Then the day before I was supposed to start my period (again), I had a major break-down. I  mean…I bawled. Jared was confused. He said, “You don’t even know you won’t be pregnant, yet!” And I said “I just don’t even want to know. I’d rather it be unknown then be negative. AGAIN!” I was exhausted and I was tired of summoning happiness.

My sweet and wise friend Bre (who had a miscarriage right before Lila btw) sent me a text from her Quiet Time that day and it said,

“To find Joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four hour segments. I understand human frailty, and know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant life in my presence today.”

I cried some more then prayed, “God, if you understand my frailty then you have to know I’m reaching the end of my rope. You have a lot more faith in me than I do. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”

I got a positive pregnancy test the next day.

So here we are. 12 weeks in. So far so good. I’m taking it way easy. When I feel like a nap, I take one. I may be slightly slow on editing this summer, but I’m getting it done with joy in my heart.

And if you’re looking for me on these hot summer days, you can find me swaying in my hammock while Callie “helps” Daddy garden. I’ll be the one holding my stomach with tears in her eyes singing the refrain from Ingrid Michaelson’s song.

“December Baby….you are mine…”

————————————————————————————————–

So what’s the take-away? For me, it’s that trials are rough, but that they are possible to get through and still be joyful. But I learned that it can’t be because I’m trying to rely on my own strength. I have to surrender it over to the Lord every single day. I have to say, “I need you. I can’t do it alone. I give this burden to you so that I don’t have to carry it myself.”

Also, the phrase ‘one day at a time’ is the ultimate advice. The minute you say, “I put my entire happiness in whether or not I am pregnant,” you are going to be depressed. Instead you have to say, “Today I am finding joy in painting this antique highchair turquoise. Thank you, God.” “Today I am finding joy in this sunset. Thank you, God.”

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Disclaimer: You should know that I am fully aware of how trivial this trial is in the scheme of things. I read blogs about people who have lost their one-year olds, people who have lost their husbands, people who have done fertility treatments for over two years and still aren’t pregnant. I am humbled by what people have gone through and still have positive attitudes. (If you want to be humbled, take a few hours and read the Stroller Coaster. Sam is seriously the most talented person in the entire world and I think I’ve bawled at every single blog post.) Thank you for reading!

Fast forward to minute 5 to hear my favorite part.